No other choice

Well this is it.. my last post from McIntosh, AL before heading off to the Wild, Wild West! I’ll go ahead and warn ya, this may end up being a pretty weighty post.. so feel free to move on if you’re in a good mood or something.. I just feel like I need to post it.

To be completely honest, this is the most scared I have ever been leaving for a trip. At least for this reason that is. I mean, I’ve always been worried about getting through the airports smoothly, missing flights, not getting along with people once I get there, great unknowns, blah, blah, blah.. that’s normal.. But this is not the same kind of fear. In fact, this is so much greater that it just about has taken up so much of my mind that I have no more room for the other “normal” worries.

Let me explain… Over the past few weeks and months, the topic of being a true disciple, and the costs of being a true disciple of Christ, has come up over and over. Seems like every where I turned it was there! It wasn’t until it came up this last time (my dad is teaching a series on it in Sunday school @ Oak Hill) that it dawned on me that maybe the reason it keeps coming up is because I’m not really listening. What is God trying to tell me?

Well, over the past week and ½ I have had a lot of time to think. Combined with a few random comments and some research, it started to come to me. You see, Phoenix is the Kidnapping Capital of the USA. Granted, most of it is tied to drugs & human smuggling from Mexico, but it is none the less. On top of that, there is a great number of young women who have frankly disappeared from Arizona and the surrounding areas… Authorities say that they know the women are being used in the Sex Trade, but can’t find them nonetheless.

Ok, so maybe it’s just my silly overreactions to everything, and paranoia, but you have to understand that my fear of Kidnapping is not really on a normal “just don’t want it to happen to me” level. Blame it on too many movies, blame it on too many cop shows, blame it on living in Haiti through countless political unrest times, blame it on whatever -> it is there nonetheless. I’m terrified to go places by myself, especially at night. I hate being in a house by myself, especially at night. I always check my backseats when I get in the car…….. you get the point. I’m pretty freaked out about kidnapping. And that is just in Mississippi + Backwoods Alabama! So when the thought of me going to the Kidnapping Capital of America comes to my mind, I’m frankly terrified!

So what does all of this have to do with the costs of being a true disciple? Here is my conclusions over the past few days..

I have had a choice. I could either call Beverly, Lainee, John, and everybody else and just tell them that I’m not going, or I can choose to go despite the fear behind it! I don’t really know what will happen while I’m in phoenix. I don’t know whether I will come home safe and sound on August 6th, or not. But then again, I don’t know if I will wake up later this morning when I go to bed for my quick nap.

And who knows? Maybe God’s plan IS for me to be kidnapped. While I can’t see any good in that at first, when I think about it.. if it brings glory to him through it, should I not be willing to step up and go? Maybe his plan is for me to bring my kidnappers to Christ just like Paul + the Jailor back in the Bible. Think about it..

When I think about that, I definitely feel a little better. Yes, I’m still a little scared, but if it is God’s will, then so be it. What I’m more worried about now is the affect it will have on everyone else. You see, consider for a moment that I disappeared, never to be heard from again.. what would happen to my family? What would my friends think? Am I leaving any loose ends before as I go?

As I was packing tonight, I started thinking about it again and it brought tears to my eyes. I was ashamed of how I had spent the past few days. How would my brothers + sister remember me? Would they remember me as the sister who didn’t really spend much time with them because she spent more time on her computer, or sleeping? Or the sister who, even on her last night at home, wouldn’t spend time with her family because she had procrastinated so much that now she had to pack..

I looked around and the huge mess our room was in and walked right out. I went in and watched a movie with my sister and my mom. My sister painted my toenails. I went to prayer time with my siblings and my dad.. I still feel like I cheated my brothers, but I suppose I have no one to blame but myself..

For their sake, I pray that I do come home when I’m supposed to. I don’t want them to remember me like that. I hate the thought that they probably think that anyways. In fact, part of me still wants to call my supervisors and tell them I’m not going.. not because I’m scared, but because I feel like I owe it to my brothers and sister for not being the best big sister I could be…

But I can’t. I have to go. I know I have to go. Why? Because no matter how I’ve treated my family, in order to be the true disciple of Christ that I say I am, my love for my family has to be so much smaller than my love and devotion for God. So much so, that it almost seems as if I hate my family..

Gah… I hate that thought!! I never want my brothers or my sister, or even my parents to ever feel like I hate them because I chose something else over them! Honestly, I did choose things over them in the past week, and in the past in general.. but it wasn’t God, that’s for sure. But now I’m faced with one of the biggest decisions of all.. 9 hours before my plane is supposed to leave, I have to decide which is more important to me, my family or following God.

I have to go. That’s all there is to it. It breaks my heart. It scares me to death. But I have to go! Do you think God wants [me] to obey [me] rather than him? [I] cannot stop telling about everything [I] have seen and heard! (Acts 4:19-20)

I have to go. . . . I have to go